The Good Dolphins
Petr and Zdenek both looked out of the classroom window:
another lesson in the bag, attendance had been thin though -
the night before had been too long, the hangovers were cruel -
when a student came in sight that neither teacher knew well.
Come here Zdenek look at this, said Petr to his brother
Is he with the Dolphin school, or is he with another?
I think he must be one of ours, said Zdenek after thinking
I saw him in the pub last night, playing pool and drinking.
Bring the classroom register, bring some homework sheets too
we'll give him hell for missing class, and some homework to do.
The bilingual brothers went to give the man an earful
a touch of Dolphin discipline to keep the students fearful.
The moral of this tale is clear to all who study English
It's hard to be the teacher's pet and drink all evenig like fish
If you prefer to stay in bed after going too far
You must be sure your teachers get just as drunk as you are.
Jim & Co, New Year 2k
[evening prayer]
Grant me the serenity to do such difficult homework,
the courage to learn so many new words and grammar,
and the wisdom to hide
the bodies of waiters in this restaurant I had to kill today because they pissed me off.
And also, help me to be a teetotaller after the evenings in the pub
with my colleagues and teachers.
And help me to remember ...
When I have a lot of problems in English,
I'm not alone.
When I feel like a fool in the lesson and it seems the other students understand everything,
it doesn't have to be true.
Petr, February 2002
. . .
My Teacher,
give me a longer and more complicated homework than usual. If I don't get it, I'll have to stay in a dirty and smelly pub and drink a terrible bitter drink being served by the devil himself.
I want to be protected from this evil by You, my Teacher. I'm your servant and I'll do anything you ask me to. I am a weak student and I have to fight with a strong enemy. But I can win with your help.
Give me a chance!
Your student
Zbynek, 2002
[a poem]
Once upon a time there lived an old king.
So did there a young princess who could sing.
It was in the nice spring,
the king liked listening.
So he gave her a little beautiful ring.
Vladimir, July 2002
A Boy Named Sue
Once upon a time in the West there lived a boy named Sue. His mother was picked up by an adventurer in her teens. But by accident she soon got pregnant. Nine months later, she gave birth to a son. That bloody bastard named their son Sue and then got lost. The name didn't really agree with [the boy's] sex and so his entire childhood was one total suffering. The others couldn't stand for his name and there was nobody who he could rely on. He was full of spite and bitterness.
This acrimonious young man went after his father with the fixed idea of killing him. He was completely possessed with this idea. He hung about the whole West. He passed through many, many pubs and whore-houses anywhere he said his name everybody was mocking him, even the dirtiest slut was. His aggressiveness ran into enormous dimensions. Finally he came across a [sleazy] dive. He rushed into it. He looked over the saloon and there he caught sight of a nasty snake that named him Sue. They were staring at each other for a second. He hissed out: "My name is Sue. Have you already written your last will? You should have done it, 'cause now it's too late."
Then he started the carnage. He went for his father with no mercy. This fight took a long time. At last they were gazing at each other with pointed guns. They sized up the situation and let up. The father started to explain the reasons for naming his son Sue. He wanted him to become a tough guy. If he hadn't been so tough, he wouldn't have survived. The son made [sense] of this reason, finally he got over the emotional trauma he had suffered since childhood and he decided if he has a son, he'll name him Sue.
Vlada & Iva & Standa & Lucka & Alena, August 2002
TWO COWS THEORY
You have two cows.
Your neighbour doesn't have any cow.
He doesn't want a cow. He wants your cows to die.
You have a herd of cows.
You have separated them according [to] the length of their tails and now you wonder that the cows from the same group don't give the same quantity of milk.
You have a herd of cows and three bulls.
The youngest one says: "Look at the cows. Let's go to them!"
The older one says: "We don't have to go, they'll come by themselves!"
The oldest one says: "Let's go away! They are coming!"
You have a cow.
Your neighbour has a bull.
If you don't work together, you won't ever have a calf.
You have a cow.
You say: "How beautiful it is to have a cow!"
And then you don't have a cow
and you say: "How beautiful it is not to have a cow!"
Alois, 2002
